The Three Self-Proclaimed "Handsome Trailheads" Hike Vickery Creek Trail, Then Make Tracks To NFA Burger.

Although People magazine has never deemed any Trailhead worthy of inclusion in its annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, Trail Master Guy declared, with no substantiation, that he and participating hikers Brad and Patrick were “the handsome Trailheads.” 

Unsurprisingly, the inflated-headed twosome readily agreed. With an echo chamber of three, who was to argue? Echoes are reassuring and confirming.

Lawyers representing the other three Trailheads immediately issued cease and desist orders. George declared it a Title 9 violation and ageist slander. He is demanding ONE BILLION DOLLARS paid in untraceable bearer bonds or offshore crypto.

The case is expected to be a legal tug-of-war until it eventually reaches the conservative-leaning Supreme Court. A worried nation holds its collective breath as it awaits this important ruling, and international stock markets are jittery. Stay tuned.

The egotistical hikers met to tackle the Vickery Creek Trail, one of Atlanta’s finest, and on a crisp, clear Autumn day, an idyllic place to be. Read about our previous outing here. Elvis was outfitted with his humiliating snout and collar leash, and Fio joined him as they led the three vain men up the hill.

The dogs, although beautiful, aren’t conceited enough to think they can compete in The Westminster Kennel Dog Show.

However, they would not refuse a slick pictorial spread in Captivating Canine Hotties Monthly (a little known sister publication of Town and Country). Elvis and Fio currently have talent agents trying to book them modeling and acting gigs, and they’ve been working on their paw print autographs for fans.

Plus, Nic Wolaver, who headed up PR for Trailhead George’s film, The Games in Black & White, currently streaming on Georgia Public Broadcasting and Delta Air Lines’ in-flight video service, is handling all of their engagements. Nic is hot off winning his 45th Phoenix Award for the launch/premier of the film and has assembled a dream team to promote the attractive tail waggers in their pursuit of celebrity.  

Back to the hike… Vickery Creek Trail has many exposed rocks and roots, alerting hikers to mind their steps carefully, lest they soon eat dirt. There are some significant elevations here, so your boots will get their exercise. Patrick declared the hike “rigorous,” then he called an Uber to continue his jouney up the steep ascent.

Once you've reached the top, the trail reveals gorgeous views. Eat ‘em up, kiddies, they’re free.

Leaves were scattered everywhere, and Patrick swore that he’d return early Sunday morning with a rake and thousands of brown lawn bags to clean up the mess. No one believed him, but they knew it was best to nod and say, “Attaboy, champ. Great idea!” Guy is actually getting a quote from him as his new mow-and-blow guy.

Trail Master grabbed some selfies, which will no doubt be used as evidence in the upcoming Very Attractive Trailheads vs The Delusional Claiming-to-be-The-Handsomest Trailheads legal case. 

It had been a cold week, and the leaves were showing their wear and tear. Oh, death, you can be so beautiful. 

We met other hikers along the trail, including a man walking his attractive dog named Hank, a name one rarely hears these days. It reminded us of two of the all-time greatest Hanks: Hank Williams, the music legend, and Hank Kimball, the county agricultural agent from the classic series Green Acres.

We imagined Agent Kimble would have made an excellent Park Ranger. Well, not an actual ranger. Well, sort of more of a volunteer, part-time ranger who wears a khaki shirt and green pants. Actually, it’s more of a hunter green…

The dogs met and got to know each other in the disgusting way they do. If we saw humans acting like this, we’d call the cops, and someone would spend the night in the crossbar motel.

We’d put in a couple of miles and began backtracking as Brad second-guessed every decision Trail Master Guy made.

“Are you sure this is the right way?” he’d ask.

“Maybe.” Trail Master teased. “It could be, I guess.”

“Well, it better be. I’m starved.”

“I’ve never been lost. Never!”

Right. If you keep walking, you’ll eventually get wherever it is you’re headed. Brad had begun to take on the whining, bitching, and moaning responsibilities Roy was so well known for before he retired from the trail. Now he has assumed the responsibility full-time and is doing it with gusto.

True to his word, Guy was eventually correct, and we arrived in the parking lot, where Elvis bolted to take a refreshing dip and baptize us with water as he shook himself dry.

On this fine day, we were not going for a barbecue lunch. No, we had a hankering for NFA Burgers. We’ll leave it to your imagination what the initials NFA stand for.

This joint is located inside a Chevron station on Ashford Dunwoody Road, and its burgers have been called the best in the city, the state, and even the whole damn country. We’ve eaten here before, read about it here, and we agree. The non-hiking (but pro-eating), Trailhead Roy joined us for lunch. The man is nothing if not hungry.

There is an ordering system at NFA Burger. One stands in line, places their order at the burger stand, and buys their beverages at the conveniently-located convenience store surrounding them. Then, one heads outside and grabs a picnic table behind the gas station. 

We sat, and our burgers were delivered in plain brown paper bags, so you’ll feel naughty about what you’re fixin’ to do. We hunkered down to business.

All Trailheads had classic doubles: two 2.75-oz beef patties, seasoned to perfection and smashed on a hot grill forming “meat candy”—crispy, flavorful bits of pure ecstasy– and topped with Mt. Olive pickles, French’s yellow mustard, American cheese, and NFA Burgers’ special Sassy Sauce, all tucked inside a Martin’s Potato Roll. 

If you’re really hungry, feel free to order a triple or quadruple burger. Your arteries won’t thank you, but your pleasure center will do cartwheels and yodel manically in delight.

There were animal guttural grunts and satiating coos as we devoured our meals. Yes, we were as happy as Wimpy from Popeye cartoons, the hero of all burger lovers worldwide.

Accompanying our burgers were incredible NFA Tater Tots. Each was cooked perfectly, and we ate them like popcorn. We believe their secret ingredient is potatoes. One order might have sufficed for the four of us. Certainly two. But we got four. Idaho thanked us. You’re welcome.

Roy had spent the morning practicing guitar while we hiked. He said the song he was working on, She’s Not There, by The Zombies, was challenging to learn. It apparently requires rhythm, which is something he lacks. We said he is welcome to bring his guitar and practice on any hike. He smiled and said, “Nice try, but I play electric guitar and there’s nowhere to plug in!”

We caught up on the news of the world and decided to let others solve the many messes. We were busy eating and laughing.

And then, just like that, Trailheads scattered into the Autumn afternoon, probably to call their lawyers about the upcoming “Handsome” case (and desperately try and find credible character witnesses).

Rating: Four Ribs*

NFA Burger 

5465 Chamblee Dunwoody Rd. 

Dunwoody, GA 30338

(Inside the Chevron station)

nfaburger.com

*About Our Barbecue Rating System

Trailheads do not claim to be food experts, epicureans, or sophisticated palates. We are hungry hikers who attack a selected barbecue venue and ravage our way through whatever smoked fare and fixings they're dishing out. Our reviews feature what we believe are the highlights of the menu we sampled. So our intent is not to trash talk the saintly folks who tend to smoldering smokers on hot, humid summer days. They are sacrificing themselves in the noble art of smoking meats and feeding the drooling masses. Many are independent entrepreneurs who are the backbone of this humming American economy. Now that you know our standards, you may wonder why every barbecue place gets a four-ribs rating. The answer is easy: our group has acclaimed designers, and they think the ribs graphic looks cool. Who are we to argue? Enjoy.

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